he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
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And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I believe in your delicious
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He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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