yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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