I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
