nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
