I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
