you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
