you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
