I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
