we're chasing vodka with high fives
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
