You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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