I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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