he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
