you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
