my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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