you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
