your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
