the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
