He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
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Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
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I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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