I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
