Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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