Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
