I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
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the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
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Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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