I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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