So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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