Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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