I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
