Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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