im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
