I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
