can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
