He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
