if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
