stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
