I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
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You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
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I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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