blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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