listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
