I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
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I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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