I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
