You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
