We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
