I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
