You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
