i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
