apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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