i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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