You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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