Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
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If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
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It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Pooping to opera.
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