We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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