I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
