the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
