I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
