I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
