I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
