I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
