I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
