well I can't set my house on fire every night
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
